Thursday, 21 April 2011

I'm a Submissive Woman...What's Wrong With That?

I am not as young or as innocent as I look, yet every time I cross the street with any man, whether I've known him 10 minutes or 10 years, they either hold my arm/hand or put a protective hand on my back and lead me to the other side of the road.

Most Western-minded, proudly independent, 21st Century women would be insulted by this because they feel it patronises them; they can cross the street just as well as any man! I don't. I take it as a compliment that a man acts on his natural instinct to protect when he's with me. Some women, because of the aggressive vibe they give out quench this gentlemanly behaviour in guys, but I'd like to think it is because of my sweet, accommodating nature that men are willing to open doors or pull out chairs for me.

Now I know and they know that I can do these things for myself, but that's not the point. I'm a lover of classic literature like Pride and Prejudice because it describes a time when men were men and ladies behaved decently and were treated with care because they were the fairer sex. I am not insulted by this, and I believe that women that are have either been hurt by misogynistic men or were told that a woman is just as good as a man and doesn't need to be treated differently.

Chivalry: Why Not? 

Well, its their loss. If a man wants to treat me nicely because I am a woman, let him. I know I am just as intelligent as he is, so why should his chivalry make me feel bad?

There's a difference between a man opening a door for you and a man not allowing you to speak in public. Women in certain Middle-Eastern or African countries have the right to demand more fairness because they are been oppressed, but I'm afraid if women get more fairness in the West they might stop having babies, because if men don't have to do it, why should we?!

So its obvious that I am not a feminist. I thank the Women's Movement for the vote, shattered glass-ceilings and the Pill, but it all spun out of control when:

Women Started Acting Like Men

Some women think that if a man can sleep with 300 women and be admired by his peers, why can't she sleep with 300 men and be equally respected? Well, umm...apart from this being a cry for help, nature discourages it. A man produces trillions of new sperm daily throughout his lifetime, whilst a woman is born with about 400 viable eggs, is able to fertilise only one a month, and then they run out when she's 45. Also, women tend to get pregnant after sex whilst men can walk away if they so wish, and the reproduction game is such that whilst a man shoots and deposits, a woman receives and incubates.

All this means that nature has given men the ease and biological efficiency to have sex-and-go a lot, whilst women have to deal with the palaver of periods, pregnancy and ticking biological clocks. It kinda seems as if 'Mother Nature' is a misogynistic man trying to ruin women's fun doesn't it?

Fact is women are BUILT differently from men and it is not everything they do that we should do. Those that want to out-earn, out-drink or out-burp men may feel emancipated now, but a wise man is not looking for a woman to compete with but a mate to build a life with, and a woman that uses her femininity to compliment a man will have a happier home.  

 Women Started Demeaning Men

I dislike watching British adverts these days because of the trend for women to belittle men.  Commercials like Windows 7's Family Photo is one that I actually switch channels to avoid watching. I just get angsty about seeing a woman say things to a man that will cause outrage if the tables were turned. Watch a round of adverts next time you're in front of the TV with this in mind, and you'll see stroppy, domineering women chastising gormless men for being inept. Its never the other way round. Because that would be sexist.

 The ad that makes me mad

The funny thing is that ad executives are overwhelmingly male, so either they're being funny, or worried that if they don't toe the feminist line there would be backlash. It's probably the latter.

I was watching a show about weddings, where it is the norm for the bride-to-be to complain that the groom doesn't help enough etc and then a 'Fairy God-mother' is called to help. But one episode had a wealthy young man who was outspoken about the fact that he'll pay for the wedding, but the bride should make all the arrangements (he was American. I noticed that their adverts are fairer). The female voice-over and 'Fairy God-mother' were indignant: how dare he be so honest about his disinterest and put the bride in a bad light! Didn't he read the memo? Only the bride can complain; the man should just nod and apologise!

The gender role-reversal in the media probably reflects reality. Today most divorces are initiated by the woman who is encouraged to not put up with any dissent... I mean failings in a man. Of course I know that men can be *%*#*@*, but perhaps women don't try so hard anymore?

Women Started Saying They Didn't Need Men

I used to say this. Back when I was young and drunk on the feminist power Destiny's Child sung about. Sure women can and have raised babies who became well-adjusted adults without the help of men, but should they? It's fine if you have no choice, but to make a conscious decision that you want to raise your child without a father is like cutting your nose to spite your face. Children from such homes grow up with daddy issues because it was never supposed to be that way.

Women also say this to mean they can buy their own houses, cars, clothes, weaves, shoes etc without the help of men. That's fabulous. I'm sure the men are quite happy not to have to pay for all these things too. But I personally want my husband to take care of me and be the breadwinner, a man who feels that it is his responsibility to provide for his family.

And in marriage I'll take primary care of the children, (since they grew in my body for nine months and were then fed with my body-juice, it seems fair) cook, clean, work and help my husband be the best he can be, whilst he protects, provides and loves and respects me as the superwoman-mother-wife-lady I am. It'll be great if he'll help with the dishes sometimes, but he doesn't have to.

I want to exemplify the lyrics to that long-forgotten song:
"I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, ever let you forget you're a man, cause I'm a woman."
It's old-fashioned and I love it. There's something....wholesome about the natural order of things.


  1. Wow, very interesting kimbo and it's so nice to hear a woman break it all down and speak words of wisdom. Thinking about it now, Destinys Child do have a lot to answer for with those songs that they were spewing out at the time (I do remember a number breaking and divorces that happened during this period and the ladies sang their tracks in celebration!)

    A lot of brothers are becoming worried about this trend now - where are the submissive women. The women are equally saying - I don't want a man to treat me like a doormat; with these expressions possibly coming from past experiences, the media or parental attributes.

    I'm of the opinion for it all to be done in Gods way. Wives submit:a tall order. Men must love:a greater order when you realise how difficult it is to love when you don't even want to love - and I am not talking about the puppy romanticised love here.

    If we strive to do it Gods way, then it all work together for good.
    Nb: was trying to preach here but I didn't know of any other way to say this.
    We done and keep up the good work. Dj Yemi

  2. Great write up DJ Yemi :)

    And "huh?!" to anonymous...

    1. I am Nigerian and I find a lot of what you just wrote quite funny and to some extent true. the fact of the matter is that this is the 21st century most women are being educated and taught to be independent. some don't mind having the man to protect them as they play the role of submissive and supportive partners. Personally I feel this way.

      So I will agree with you to the point where you talk about not helping with house work. that will only happen if you intend to become a Housewife. there is no way you and the man both go out to work and come back home. and all he gets to do is love and protect. no honey ! it ain't gonna happen. Also you have to agree that a growing number of men are taking advantage of women. in most cases of men beating up their wives especially in the US it is because this women depend heavily on the men and are too supportive and submissive to report their male partners to the police

    2. Sure. We all know instances and the facts that many women are being abused by men. But this isn't what this post is about. It's about the women lucky enough to have a choice about how to behave in the company of men, and choosing to be gracious and demure rather than fighting for superiority.

      But I don't agree with your housework point. We both work and my husband often cooks and cleans when we come home in the evening, but he doesn't have to. I'm fine doing it all. I don't need him to prove anything to me by washing dishes. But maybe it's because he does help often and I can handle it if he doesn't.

      He's not the kind of man that feel it's the woman's duty to do the housework and I'm not the kind of woman that feels the man MUST help out.

  3. I found this blog entry very interesting. Some point of dissent for me was the commercial analysis. I think women are meant to be construed as naggy and annoying (by the mostly male executives who are in charge)... not that men pansy to feminists b/c I don't think feminism is that strong.
    I personally consider myself to be a feminist because I do think that there are certain strides left to be made for women in Westernized countries... (I can only speak about America but equal pay, more support for single mums, combating rape/ sexual harassment) but I do agree that there is a particularly strong branch of feminism that is taking things out of control. Their focus is more on the right to be promiscuous without being looked down on for it (have you heard of 'slut walks'?) & I feel like many feminists minimize the differences between the genders. Biologically & emotionally we are different. Different. But equal.

  4. Thanks for your comment Danielle, and I agree with different but equal. The 'slut walk' is happening this weekend I think. Women reclaiming the word (and image) of 'slut' to empower themselves is like Black people reclaiming the N-word: both are misguided and it causes confusion.

  5. I am really enjoying your blogs. I am a Yoruba guy, just stumbled on this page and really interesting.
    You said it all good Fulani-Nigerian and Opeyemi.
    "I am a submissive woman" I do not really see anything being bad about that. If a woman is submissive does not mean, she is stupid, submission of such would bring more joy, unity at home and would be loved for sure by his man.
    You can be submissive and still have everything on your control, women are the neck, men are the head. Neck only twist the head where it wants it. Head cannot turn around without the neck. A submissive woman think more of home and working it out come rain or high waters. Emancipated thought of her education, feminism, equality, high paid job, career and easily lost control, she belittles him and then situation grows out of hand.

  6. I stumbled on this hausa-nigerian blog by accident as I am in a relationship with a Hausaman.
    I am Yoruba by parentage,lived on and of in the UK, divorced with two teenage daughters.
    I just need a bit of englightment about Hausa men as I grew up partly in Ibadan and London.
    Kind regards

  7. Hi anonymous, drop me a line at and we'll talk.

  8. Your Blog is superb, and your posts are so interesting and enlightening, you write so well,not boring at all. Thanks v.much.

  9. Thank you Gimbiyar, I'm glad you enjoyed my writing :)

  10. enjoying every bit of your blog. Just stumbled upon it and have been reading every post.I very much agree with you

    So nice to read from a Nigerian who knows Kaduna( I'm from there) and likes it.

    Thanks for the good work. Refreshing. Love it. can't stop saying so: Love it love it love it

  11. Awww, thanks a lot. I've only just returned to writing here again after a long break, so keep visiting! :)

  12. I don't know why, but something just doesn't gel with this piece. I feel there is so much more at stake here. Men take being submissive to mean a lot more than what you have described. There's child marriage, rape, discrimination, etc that happens to women because they couldn't stand up. A woman going through domestic violence would tell you to shut up. Since you are hausa/fulani, you know what's happening in arab countries where girls are being killed for wanting to go to school. You wrote just from your little corner and I think that's unfair to the women out there suffering and more to those taking a stand and fighting.

    1. Hi Anonymous, you're right about the abuse of women's positions around the world, especially in many Arab/African/Asian countries. I mentioned their plight and the difference with what I'm saying in the post:

      "There's a difference between a man opening a door for you and a man not allowing you to speak in public. Women in certain Middle-Eastern or African countries have the right to demand more fairness because they are been oppressed, but I'm afraid if women get more fairness in the West they might stop having babies..."

      I'm strictly speaking from my perspective as a Westerner, where being submissive is a choice, but for others, subjugation is forced upon them. I know the difference, and that's not what I'm referring to here.

    2. Hello Anonymous,
      I think you are confusing gross violations of human rights with women accepting chivalry from men showing respect to the fairer sex.

      The contrast between these two things could not be more drastic. Being submissive does not equal being an abused victim.

  13. Thank you for this post. I stumbled upon it as I began my research on how to be a submissive woman. I understand that as I convert it will not be easy, but I am committed to learning and change.

  14. I find this blog really interesting and think its brave of you to share your opinion. I do think its sad that to make your point here about your choice to become a submissive woman, you decided to bash a big group of diverse people who believe that women should have the chance to choose how they would like to live. So, also to have the choice not to be submissive. That does not make them worse, or better than you. Just different.